13 Steps to Cope with a Cheating Spouse

Managing a spouse’s infidelity is one of life’s most stressful events. Follow these steps to cope with the situation...

Do not make any major decisions

According to www. marriage.about.com, do not quickly think about ending your marriage now just because your spouse has been unfaithful. This is the time to do some reflection on your marriage to see what other issues other than this infidelity need to be recognised and dealt with.

Understand that feelings are neither right nor wrong

Accept that your feelings of rage, uncertainty, shock, agitation, fear, pain, depression and confusion about having an unfaithful spouse are normal. You will be on a roller coaster of emotions for a few months and possibly even up to a year or two afterwards.

Take care of yourself

You may have some physical reactions to the infidelity such as nausea, diarrhoea, sleep problems (too little or too much), shakiness, and difficulty concentrating and not wanting to eat or overeating.

Balance is key

Despite your pain, you must force yourself to eat healthy foods, stay on a schedule, sleep regular hours, get some exercise each day,  drink plenty of water, and have some fun.

It’s still okay to laugh

Watch some funny movies or TV shows. Spend time with people who make you smile. Life goes on in spite of heartaches and unfaithful spouses.

Begin a journal

Write down your thoughts and feelings about your spouse’s unfaithfulness. Ask all the questions you want. Talk with your spouse about the infidelity. However, you may have to accept that your spouse may not know why the infidelity took place or may not want to reveal this to you.

Seek counselling

Do not try to get through coping with unfaithfulness alone! However, don’t shout from the highest mountain to all you know that your spouse is an unfaithful jerk. Carefully choose whom you will share this information with. Knowing the type of infidelity sometimes makes understanding it easier and counselling can help get answers to questions.

Take it one day at a time

You and your spouse should both be tested for AIDS/HIV and STDs before you resume sexual intimacy without protection. Consider what boundaries you need in your marriage in order to stay in the marriage. You might wish to contact an attorney and get these documented in a postnuptial agreement.

Your children need to know that you are going to be okay

 You can’t hide the fact that you are going through serious stress or trauma. Being honest with your children might be the best approach depending upon their age, but don’t weigh them down with details. Also, don’t make promises that you can’t keep.

Try not to get into the blame-gaming

 It is important that you do not get yourself worked up over who or what caused the infidelity. It’s just wasted energy and it will not change anything. Also, think twice before you tell your family or your spouse’s family about the infidelity. Family members can often hold grudges for a long time.

You may have post-traumatic stress

If you are jumpy, yell at trivial actions, feel like you are walking on egg shells, and continue to have physical reactions when you are reminded of the infidelity, see a physician as soon as you can. Medication, even temporarily, might be a good idea.

It takes time to get beyond the pain

Don’t expect the mixture of feelings, the sense of confusion and limbo, and the mistrust to go away just because you’ve tried to forgive your spouse and made a commitment to save your marriage. The stages of death and dying (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) are part of the grieving process. It doesn’t mean your marriage can’t be renewed and strengthened, because it can. But, it will be different. Remember that your marriage has changed. You will need to grieve that loss.

Get practical

Should you decide to end your marriage, look at your finances, housing situation, transportation, etc.  Make sure you have thought out where you will live, if you have enough money to pay for your essentials, etc.

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What Will You Do if a Military Officer Slaps Your Spouse in Your Presence? Nigerians Speak

In a country where human rights laws are still weak, there have been several occasions of assault by military officers on the civilians. Therefore, assuming a military officer slaps your spouse in your presence, what are you going to do? Some Nigerians told SATURDAY PUNCH their answers

Army cadets torturing an Abuja resident

 

Justice must prevail - Crystabel Goddy

For whatsoever reason the officer must have done it, it is an assault on my spouse. However, I will not create a scene because that won’t help solve the matter or make me feel better. There are several ways to go about it and all I know is that in the end, justice must prevail. I can’t tolerate injustice. And it doesn’t have to be assault on my spouse; it could be a friend or colleague. I don’t like being obsessed with power.


I’ll strike back twice - Bobby Michaels

I will retaliate and look forward to the consequences later. I will also not apologise or be scared. I am law-abiding and always avoid their trouble, but if such could happen, then it means such officer has no respect for my spouse and has no respect for the law and the uniform he’s putting on. I will strike him back twice if chanced, but if I am unable to do that, then I will take the matter to the appropriate quarters. Because the truth must be said and we have to wake up and I would not apologise or be scared of the consequences either.

 

I’ll take it up officially - Janet Mba-Afolabi

I will feel very bad about the situation, but I will not create a scene there. I believe there are several ways to address it. Since the officer is subject to the military authorities, I will seek for the matter to be addressed officially by making a formal report to the appropriate quarters. But if they do not react on time, I will get my lawyer involved because it is a case of assault.

 

He must apologise - Ayo Badmus

It has happened to me before and I made sure the officer apologised. If it happens to my wife, I will make sure the officer apologises. I will not fight him because two wrongs cannot make a right. I will give the officer a pep talk on how to treat women because he obviously didn’t know. However, if my wife is the one at fault, she must apologise to the officer.

 
If it’s a female officer, I’ll slap back - Liz Anjorin

I’ll do either of two things: If the military officer who slaps my husband is a female, I’ll slap her back. She cannot go scot-free. How dare she slap my husband in my presence? I’ll even tell my husband to leave the fight for me. But if it’s a male officer, I’ll let my husband handle the matter, though I’ll not encourage him to fight the officer as he may harm him. I’ll just shout at the man and rain abuses on him, but I will not touch his uniform so that he wouldn’t count any charge against me.


It’s an opportunity for us to make money - Jonathan Olajide
There is no need to slap back. It’s an opportunity for my spouse and me to make a lot of money in form of damages. I only need to take pictures of the scar the officer must have left on my wife’s face. I will get the officer’s identity, that is, his name and service number. I will also get witnesses immediately. I will take other shots at the scene. And finally, I’ll get a good lawyer to sue the officer for assault and battery, intent to cause injury and attempted murder. This is because a slap from a military officer can result to death or permanent injury.


I’ll fight him verbally - Olawunmi Oyedotun

Something would have led to the officer slapping my husband. Whatever it is, I will be shocked by his action. If he does not hold a gun, I will fight him verbally. I will respect his uniform, so I will not touch him. However, I will make sure I tell him to his face he should learn to use his position to do good and not abuse his power. This scenario is rampant in our society and it needs to be looked into. Military officers often believe they can do anything and go scot free, which is not good.

 
I won’t take it easy - Gboyega Oloniyo

In such a situation, I’ll feel angry and would like to slap back, but I will restrain myself. Such a slap is not only an injury to my spouse, but to me also. I’ll calm down my spouse first, then take up the matter legally and ensure that justice is done. Whether a man is a military officer or a civilian, it is very wrong to slap a woman, either in the closet or in public.


I’ll keep calm - Joy Tambou

It is wrong, both morally and legally, for the officer to have slapped my spouse. I will feel very bad, but there is nothing I can do other than keep calm, or else he might also beat me up because in the Nigerian system as it is, our human rights laws are still weak. Some people may create scenes, but I will not do that. I will only try to find out the name and rank of the military personnel, and then I will take it up from there.


I’ll make sure the officer is dismissed - Opeyemi Samuel

I’ll get the officer’s name and rank, pick my phone and call my lawyer and sue him for assault. I’ll demand just N20m as damages. If he wants us to settle out of court, I will ask for N10m. I’m not doing this because I need his money because he may not even be able to afford it. But I’ll make sure I frustrate him to let him know his action was wrong. I will do everything possible to have him dismissed from the Force. But if I can’t get his name and rank, I won’t allow him to go. I will create a scene. However, if my wife is at fault in this matter, I will keep calm and let the matter go.

Credit:Tori.ng 

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